


Riverdale Pilot: Sexy Lamp Edition

by formergirlwonder (orphan_account), hitchcock_blonde



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Archie is a Lamp, Because Riverdale is amazing and beautiful, Feminist Tests done on Archie Andrews, Gen, It makes more sense than you think, Requires some suspension of disbelief, Sexy Lamp Test, The Author(s) Regret Nothing, We love this show, screenplay format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:20:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/formergirlwonder, https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchcock_blonde/pseuds/hitchcock_blonde
Summary: The Sexy Lamp Test, as originated by Kelly Sue DeConnick, states that "If you can take out a female character and replace her with a sexy lamp, YOU'RE A FUCKING HACK!"We took Archie Andrews out of Riverdale's pilot and replaced him with a very, very sexy lamp. Read into it what you will.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, obviously, there's some ground rules:  
> 1\. Archie can talk.  
> 2\. He can't say or do anything that would move the plot forward.  
> 3\. He can teleport, mainly because he has to get from place to place somehow without Jughead being like "welp gotta go to football practice now Archie" and then dragging him.  
> 4\. Everybody knows that Archie is a lamp. Nobody is surprised by this.  
> Those are the main rules, but we may add more as the story goes on. If it goes on. Depends on if Archie continues to be a sexy lamp in Riverdale. Right now, it looks like this story is going to last a very, very long time.  
> Just to clarify, we LOVE that Archie is a sexy lamp. We freaking ADORE it. Not Archie. His lampness. Seriously, how often does a male character become this much of a nonentity?  
> So. THANK YOU, RIVERDALE. This is for you.

RIVERDALE, EP. 1: PILOT

_~Sexy lamp edition~_

SCENE 1

INT. POP’S DINER

BETTY _is sipping a vanilla milkshake and looking nervous and excited._ ARCHIE _looks sexy, which probably serves to make_ BETTY _even more nervous and excited, so…he’s serving some purpose, right? Right?_

BETTY: So…how was your summer?

ARCHIE: I want to be a songwriter.

BETTY: Good for you. Can you write any songs?

ARCHIE: Half of one, and I can definitely say that I’m a prodigy.

BETTY: Good for you, Archie.

BETTY _gives_ ARCHIE _a flirtatious eyelash flutter._ ARCHIE _continues to look sexy._

BETTY: Anyway…on to something that actually matters…I’ve been thinking about us. You know, we’ve been best friends for ages, a relationship that I’ve contributed way more to than you, by the way, and…

BETTY _’s voice trails off as_ VERONICA _walks in in slow motion._ VERONICA _is wearing a sexy wizard cape from the Party Store, and_ BETTY _looks jealous._

VERONICA: Wow, that’s a really sexy lamp you have there. Is it yours?

BETTY: No, we’re…

BETTY _looks longingly at_ ARCHIE _, who doesn’t notice, because that would contribute something to the plot._

BETTY: …just friends.

ARCHIE: You’re sexy too.

VERONICA: Good for you, Archiekins.

BETTY: Wait, are you Veronica Lodge? I’m touring you around the school tomorrow.

VERONICA: Great! We’re totally going to be best friends.

BETTY: _PLEASE!_ I really need a best friend who isn’t a lamp. So long as, you know, you don’t try to steal Archie. He’s the sexiest lamp in Riverdale, and Mom says I can’t trust girls like you.

VERONICA: Great! I’ll definitely steal him the first chance I get.

BETTY: Well, that definitely doesn’t matter, because we’re…

_Looks longingly_

BETTY: …just friends.

ARCHIE _tries to say that he doesn’t want to date either of them because he’s currently engaged in a hot hookup with his music teacher,_ JENNIFER GIBSON ALIAS MISS GRUNDY, _but he can’t, because he really should._

JUGHEAD _, in the corner booth, fantasizes about walking up like a macho male lead and saying supportively that he’s_ BETTY _’s best friend, but comforts himself with the thought that he won’t be confined to uselessness for long._ ARCHIE, _on the other hand…_

SCENE 2

EXT. FRED ANDREWS’ PORCH

FRED ANDREWS: Hi, Arch.

ARCHIE: Hey, Dad.

_An uncomfortable silence ensues._

ARCHIE: I want to be a songwriter.

FRED ANDREWS: Okay. I don’t really care.

ARCHIE: But what about the family business?

FRED ANDREWS: What about it?

ARCHIE: Don’t you care about it?

FRED ANDREWS: Well, yeah, when it involves putting innocent kids out on the streets and making epic deals involving my hot ex who I _totally_ haven’t been creeping on for, like, forever, but when it involves resisting the temptation to hire said hot ex…

ARCHIE: I thought we were talking about hiring _me._

FRED ANDREWS: Haven’t we already established that you don’t matter?

ARCHIE: What?

FRED ANDREWS: You know what, Archie? Go be a songwriter. Good for you. I’m proud of you, son. But I…kinda have bigger things to worry about.

ARCHIE: Like what?

ADULTERER FRED ANDREWS: Like Veronica’s mom’s boobs.

ARCHIE: What?

FRED ANDREWS: What?

SCENE 3

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD

BETTY _and_ VERONICA _walk up, looking expectant._

VERONICA: Archieeeeee! Betty has something she wants to _say_ to you, don’t you, Betty????

BETTY (uncomfortably): Um…

VERONICA: She was wondering if you wouldn’t mind asking her to the dance please, thank you very much, pick her up at 7, see you there. C’mon, Betty.

VERONICA _turns to leave_

ARCHIE (trying to process): There’s a dance?

VERONICA: Of course there’s a dance, dumbass. It’s the CW Event of the Week.

ARCHIE: Welp, I don’t really want to ask Betty…for…no reason.

BETTY: Well, then, why don’t we do exactly what I definitely don’t want to do and go as a threesome?

ARCHIE: Sounds great! This totally won’t lead to any drama.

BETTY: Great! I’m going to read romance into this now, and not regret any of the life choices that have led me to go to a dance with a lamp that I have to share.

VERONICA _and_ BETTY _exit_

VERONICA (to BETTY as they walk away): Wait, like a friendship threesome or a polyamorous threesome?

BETTY: What does polyamorous mean?

VERONICA: Never mind.

SCENE 4

INT _._ CHERYL BLOSSOM’S CLOSET

 _Neither_ VERONICA _nor_ ARCHIE _seems exactly sure why they are there._

VERONICA: Look, Archie, I had to save you from Cheryl. I mean, if I felt like you were capable of asserting yourself, then I could have let you go into the closet with her, and then you could have shoved her off you when she tried to kiss you. Obviously…

_She looks him up and down pointedly._

VERONICA: …that isn’t going to happen. Ever. So now we’re in this closet trusting to my impulse control.

ARCHIE: How much time do we have left?

VERONICA (steps forward, looks up at ARCHIE with dilated eyes): Ask me a question, Archie.

ARCHIE: Um, I just did.

VERONICA (seductively): Six minutes and two seconds.

_There is an awkward silence._

ARCHIE: Um, we should keep on asking each other questions.

VERONICA (unfortunately, still seductively): What sort of flowers does Betty like?

ARCHIE: What?

VERONICA (practically breathing down his lampshade by now): Because, I’m about to need to get her a lot of apology flowers, seeing as she’s my best friend, and I might be about to break her heart.

ARCHIE _does his best to look even sexier (for a lamp, that is)._

ARCHIE: Any flowers are good. Betty’s not a picky person.

VERONICA (with a self-satisfied air): That’s what I thought. You know, when I met Betty, I had literally no clue why she was pining over a lamp, and then I realized—

VERONICA _breaks off suddenly, entranced by_ ARCHIE.

ARCHIE: What?

VERONICA (very much in his personal space by now, if a lamp can be said to have personal space) _:_ Ask me. Ask me what I was going to say. (with maximum seductive power) Ask me a question, Archie. (less seductively) And I don’t mean a literal question.

ARCHIE _’s lightbulb flickers on suddenly, but he remains mute._

VERONICA: Right. You can’t, because that would be helpful. Got it. Okay, here goes nothing.

 _She kisses_ ARCHIE. _At that moment, the closet door swings open._

CHERYL (with melodramatic zealotry): Guess the Ice Queen’s not as imperturbable as we thought, girls? I mean, we left her in a room with a goddamn lamp and she made out with it! Imagine what might happen if somebody actually _tried_ with her?

REGGIE: I’ll try!

CHERYL: Shut up, Reggie, we all know you’d be a lamp if this was your show.

VERONICA: Where’s Betty?

CHERYL: Elsewhere.

VERONICA: Archie, go after her. Somebody needs to be there for her to yell at.

ARCHIE: Um, I’m not sure if I—

VERONICA _drags_ ARCHIE _out from the closet by the power cord._

VERONICA: Yep, you can. That isn’t going to influence things. As long as you don’t actually say something that causes her to have any sort of hope, you’re good.

ARCHIE: Can’t you do it?

VERONICA: I have enough agency to go convince her to be friends with me tomorrow. You are going to suck at that, because you’re a lamp with questionable songwriting skills, albeit undeniable sexiness. I mean, talk about Pygmalion and Galatea, am I right?

ARCHIE: I don’t know who that is.

VERONICA: Good for you.

SCENE 5

EXT. COOPER HOUSE

ARCHIE _teleports several feet away from_ BETTY, _who is running into the house sobbing._

ARCHIE: Betty—

BETTY _turns around to face him_

BETTY: What? Are you going to say you’re sorry? That doesn’t fix this, Archie!

ARCHIE: I’m sorry, Betty. It shouldn’t have happened. You deserved better—

BETTY _draws herself up in a paroxysm of rage_

BETTY: YES! Of COURSE I deserved better! You met Veronica like three days ago, max! Why the hell would you just randomly kiss her out of the blue like that?

ARCHIE: Betty, I don’t know what to say to fix this.

BETTY: Okay. Okay.

BETTY _takes a deep breath._

BETTY: Do you love me, Archie?

ARCHIE _has literally no options here. He could say he’s in love with his twenty-something music teacher,_ JENNIFER GIBSON ALIAS MISS GRUNDY, _but that would save everybody (including him) time, trouble, and pain, so it’s definitely not an option. He could say he’s in love with_ BETTY _and that he wants to be with her, but that would break_ JUGHEAD _'s heart,_ _save everybody seven episodes of will-they-won’t-they, and remove his primary character motivation, passively and sexily wanting what he can’t have despite seventy-plus years of comic canon telling him he should automatically have a harem of girls worshipping his sexiness._ ARCHIE _does the best he can under these circumstances._

ARCHIE: You’re my best friend—I mean, Betty, you’re perfect. You deserve better than me—

BETTY: SHUT UP! Everybody here knows I deserve better! You’re a LITERAL, ACTUAL LAMP, and I’ve been pining after you for OVER A DECADE! Do you know how that FEELS? Nope, don’t answer that, because of COURSE you don’t! You’re never going to have an impact on the world, Archie. Or even the plot. Even if you weren’t a lamp, you still couldn’t get yourself out of any of the messes you’re in without someone else doing it for you! So go away, Archie. Go away, now. I want you to leave me alone.

ARCHIE: Betty, can we still be friends?

BETTY: Nope. Somebody’s got to do the emotional heavy lifting in this plotline, and it isn’t going to be you.

SCENE 6

INT. POP’S DINER

ARCHIE _appears moodily in a booth across from_ JUGHEAD

JUGHEAD: Hey.

ARCHIE: My life is the worst thing ever known to humanity. Betty hates me, I kissed the new girl in a closet, someone’s going around killing red-headed football players, and I—

ARCHIE _takes a miserable breath_

ARCHIE (practically wailing by now): I CAN’T BALANCE MY EXTRACURRICULARS! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOO?

JUGHEAD: I’m literally homeless, my mom and sister left, my dad’s an alcoholic gang member, and my name is literally Jughead. Oh, and I’ve had a crush on your best friend for years.

ARCHIE (who didn't process any of this): What?

JUGHEAD: Never mind. Um, I feel like your priorities are out of whack here. And also--

ARCHIE: HOW DO I BALANCE MY EXTRACURRICULARS! NOBODY REMEMBERS JASON BLOSSOM EVEN THOUGH HE HAD EXTRACURRICULARS! WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME?

JUGHEAD: You should apologize to Betty, but I don’t think you will.

ARCHIE: YOU’RE RIGHT! MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE! I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON!

JUGHEAD: You should apologize to me, but I don’t think you will.

ARCHIE: What am I apologizing to you for?

JUGHEAD: Nobody really knows. It varies.

ARCHIE: You know what I think? I think I should go try out for the football team. And do music. And work at my dad’s construction company. And pursue Veronica, sort of, while still remaining friends with Betty, and having just enough scenes with you to make the shippers happy, and pursuing a random person named Valerie who is probably never coming back to this show if Josie and the Pussycats get a spinoff! EVERYBODY WINS! I CAN HAVE IT ALL!

ARCHIE _teleports out in a blaze of excitement_

JUGHEAD (to an empty booth): Good for you, buddy. You go do that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The more feedback you give us, the more likely we are to write more of this. Just sayin'.


End file.
